The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
