Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
