His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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