Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
