i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
