U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
