i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
