My liver just broke up with me...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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