At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
