Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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