I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
