Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
