Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
