He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
