Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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