if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i came on her dog
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
