the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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