There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's a Shit stain on my heart
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
