News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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