I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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