I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
