So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This is the high leading the old right now
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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