can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
