Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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