This is not my ceiling
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
