it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
