One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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