You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
why is half of my head shaved?
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