Apparently you make a good broom.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
