Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.