There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level