im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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