I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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