I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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