Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
