I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
