Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
