Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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