i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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