That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!