I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%