I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.