You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think my fart just growled at me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
