Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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