cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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