Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
