she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
