Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
