i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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