Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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