JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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