Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
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He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
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Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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