How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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