You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
