my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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