I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.