Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
