are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
