I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
