My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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