Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
